It’s been a hot minute ..
Wow. It’s been over a year since my last blog post and so much has happened. So much change, transition and loss has occurred at our sanctuary over the last 12 months. And this morning got me reminiscing about the last 6 years and how far we have come as a rescue, an organization, and a community since the day we first started. It also got me thinking about grief.
So many things have happened that I didn’t think possible - both good and bad. Though I suppose I don’t really believe in good or bad anymore. My belief seems to center more around everything simply being an experience to learn from. And that based on the belief system and perspective, either the charge of negative or positive can be applied to each situation.
With the loss of Red just before Christmas, I really felt a significant change happen within me and the sanctuary. Almost as if his passing meant the closing of one chapter. And though typically that could make someone very sad, it instead offered me the opportunity to experience gratitude for all he brought to our lives and excitement for the new chapter that is to come. Yes, my human heart hurts every day because I can no longer bury my face in his beautiful red mane and smell his unique and magical scent. However, my spirit knows that he now runs free alongside his friends at the sanctuary. My spirit hears him as he speaks to me in my dreams, in each gust of wind and each chirp from a chickadee. And it knows that his soul is finally at peace and free. Back home where it was always meant to be. Where we will one day be.
Losing Red also gave me an odd sense of relief. Every morning, since the day I got him, I would wake up with anxiety wondering if he was okay. Leaving the property was difficult because I always wanted to be near him incase something happened and he needed me. I was always concerned about his comfort level - was he warm enough? how was his pain level? was he happy? But since the moment he took his last breath, it almost felt like I was taking my first. And I know that with his transition his soul also appreciated being released from that connection. I know he carried the weight of my feelings and my worries on his back. And I know he felt the heaviness of that responsibility. I felt guilty about it towards the end. Guilty about loving him so much and not wanting to let him go. I knew his body was tired and his soul was ready. But my human heart hurt too much at the thought of saying goodbye.
We found each other when we needed one another the most. He saved my heart. He gave me courage. He challenged me to find my center, stand my ground, and step up into my space and my calling. I gave him love. I felt his softness. And I helped create a safe space where he could truly rest, open his heart and connect to life around him. And He was the absolute most beautiful horse I had ever laid eyes on. His soul shone brightly around him. And so I knew it was time to let him go when I could see his sparkle start to dim.
He would have stayed with me as long as I wanted if I had asked him to. Because he was loyal and selfless. But I couldn’t ask him to stay any longer. I made a promise to love him unconditionally and never let him suffer. So I kept my promise.
On December 19, 2024 Red took his final breath on our sanctuary property, in a place he loved the most, surrounded by those who loved him most. He was our founding member and my absolute best friend in the whole world.
I miss him in every single moment of every single day. And I look forward to seeing him again soon when my soul finds its way home to him.
Photo courtesy of SJ Originals
